© The Ghoul Friend Who Became A Housewife

©  Copyright 2016  Harvey Saltz  All Rights Reserved


              Allyson and Herbert Collins were married for four years. Allyson thought them to be a far too short four years for her purposes. Herbert thought them to be far too long. Of course, although they were technically married for four years, they were only actually married for less than two months. The other three years and ten months were spent in a bitter and contentious divorce.

              True enough, he had no complaints about the honeymoon. It was fabulous as far as he was concerned. As a crazy woman, Allyson provided Herbert with the wildest sex that he wouldn’t have ever imagined was possible. But that was the honeymoon. It wasn’t long after the honeymoon was over that he noticed something he didn’t like about her. It was the very next day, in fact. It was the first meal that she had ever prepared for him that made him take notice.

              It all happened after a typical hard day at the office when Herbert came home for dinner. Allyson had called him earlier that day to tell him that she was going to cook a very special first meal for him and that it was a surprise. She wanted to say no more about it for fear that she would spoil the surprise she had spent most of her day planning. Of course, she wanted him to experience the meal in the very best of moods, so she greeted him at the door completely naked. She then sexually attacked him on the spot. “Not a bad appetizer,” he humorously thought as he passively allowed his body to be pleasured.

              After the “appetizer” was enjoyed to its fullest, it was time for the main course. They went to the dining room where Allyson had set the table with their finest Irish linen, French Limoges china, English sterling silverware, and Waterford crystal. Herbert anxiously sat at the head of the table as Allyson ceremoniously lit the candles having dressed her model like, still naked body with a revealing, skimpy French maid’s costume. “This will most likely be the best meal of my life,” he thought while his eyes followed her as she left the dining room to retrieve the remainder of his surprise dinner from the nearby kitchen.

              A fourteen inch dinner plate was set before him by Allyson with his pet cat strewn upon it. The cat lay dead on its side. It was still in one full piece, its head extending off the left side of the plate. It still had all its hair and fur. He salivated as he eagerly sliced into his pet cat’s carcass expecting the ultimate in cuisine. Instead, it was awful. It was grotesque. It was so gross that he wanted to puke.

              “This is utterly outrageous!” Herbert shouted as he stood up from the table so rapidly and forcibly as to topple his heavy wooden dining room chair.

              Frightened, Allyson cowered saying apologetically, “But I worked so hard all day cooking it special for you. Isn’t it to your liking?”

              “Are you mad? Have you taken leave of your senses? How can you do this to my pet cat?,” he shouted as she backed away from him to protect herself from imminent anger and possible physical violence. “And to add insult to injury,” he continued to shout, “it is cooked too well done. You know full well that I won’t eat anything that is cooked beyond medium-rare at most.”

              Herbert stormed out of the house in a fit of rage. He had to leave to prevent his acting out with violence.

              The honeymoon was over. From that point on, nothing she did could satisfy him. He unreasonably found fault in everything, even their sex. She implored him to go to marriage counseling with her. She felt sure that they could save their marriage with the assistance of a suitable marriage counselor that would be recommended through his personal connections with the Ghoul Hotline. Perhaps, everything could be good again.

              Many appointments for marriage counseling were made by Allyson for the two of them. An equal number of appointments were broken by Herbert; not because he couldn’t make them, but just to spite her. He intended not to reconcile no matter what. His cat was overcooked and there was no forgiving that transgression. He soon hired a bloodsucking attorney and filed for divorce. He was advised by his bloodsucker that an immediate filing may limit her award of community property when it became time for the court to divide the marital estate.

              Herbert tried to rush the case through the courts to end the matter quickly, but Allyson’s bloodsucking attorney managed to drag it out as long as possible for several reasons, amongst which were the generating of additional legal fees, and to increase the length of the marriage which could garner a greater share of the marital estate for his client, Allyson.

              The case finally came up for trial. Witnesses were called and evidence was taken. Although the case lasted

several days, the Judge stopped listening to the testimony almost immediately after he heard that the Respondent had served the Petitioner a dead cat for dinner. “How vial! How disgusting!,” the Judge thought. “What kind of woman would do that?” Of course, the Judge could not find it within himself to award any part of the marital estate to a person who would so cruelly kill and serve a pet cat to its owner. He awarded one hundred percent of the marital assets to the Petitioner, Herbert.

              The attorney for Herbert was ordered to draft the court’s ruling into an Order within five days and to present it for the Judge’s signature. The court’s signature on the Order would make the decision final and effective.

               It was amazing that the entire house could be destroyed so quickly by only spontaneous combustion. At least that was going to be Allyson’s story to the fire investigators when they interrogated her. But in truth, for two days she had been placing an ever increasing number of oil and gasoline soaked rags in a hidden recess of the three car garage attached to the three story mansion.

               A spontaneous combustion cannot be controlled. It is strictly a creature of physical science. The moment the temperature of the combustible material reaches the point of ignition, there is no holding it back; just as there is no speeding it up before that moment. Therefore, Allyson escaped all culpability because of a solid alibi for her whereabouts and activities at the time of the fire. In that regard, it was fortunate the spontaneous combustion did not occur until three in the morning, two days later while Herbert was asleep in his bedroom within the mansion.

              Lickety-split, Allyson informed her bloodsucker about Herbert’s death. Her bloodsucker immediately made a motion with the court to dismiss the divorce and it was granted. Herbert’s death had already terminated the marriage.

              Allyson now sits by her mailbox sharpening her nails with nothing more to do than wait for her payout as beneficiary of her dearly departed’s life insurance policy and the liability insurance on the house while her bloodsuckers tended to other matters of estate.